Hold me, Mommy

There is something about being a mom that is a bittersweet mix of being both heartwrenching and heartwarming.  I teeter back and forth finding the balance between fostering independence in my child and cherishing his need for me.  

Tonight was one of the many nights recently where I figured out I was being tested as a parent.  Benjamin would sleep in our bed every night if I would let him, but I know that he needs to learn how to sleep in his room.  He knows how to push my buttons.

"Mommy, hold me." It's a nightly ritual of tugging my heartstrings to try to gain a few more minutes awake in my arms, no matter whether he saw me five minutes during the day or all day.  And if there is a pitiful outpouring of tears, well...

Tonight I gave in, but not at first.  I thought, well he is just fighting sleep, per usual.

The thing is, I can't help but look at him lately and remind myself that our days of him crawling in my lap, cuddling next to me, and curiously tugging at my hair will be over in a blink of an eye. I know that one day he will decide he would rather shut himself in his room or hang out with friends instead of dogging my steps, hang on my shirt or pants, and saying "Whatch doin' Mama?  Can I help? can I watch?" 

I realize that his world is going to change in just a few more months, and all the time I devote to him will have to be shared between him and his brother...and he won't understand.

So, after trying to get a few things ready for tomorrow, I went into Benjamin's room to see why he wasn't asleep yet.

He said, "Mama, hold me, please."  (He says please when he really wants something.)

I said, "Benjamin, why do you want me to hold you?"

"Because, I want to hold YOU."

So I said, "I'll come back and hold you once I put up some food." (My breakfast for tomorrow which I had let cool off before putting in the fridge.)

MAMA, what is that?!

What is what, Benjamin?

What is FOOD? Can we eat it? (Oh my, I realized I had been duped, and I didn't even care."

I'm putting up my cooked eggs, Benjamin.  Do you want some? (He hates eggs.)

No.

So, we cuddled up on the couch in the living room with me trying not to completely give in by letting him sleep in our bed all night, and I enjoyed cuddling and talking to a two-year-old who was determined to find something to talk about to keep himself awake.

Here is my best attempt at a transcript of our conversation:

Mama, you blew bubbles yesterday.

Yes, I did.

I splashed puddles.

Yes, you did.

I can't splash puddles in my sleep.

No, not unless you dream about them.

God keeps me safe when I'm scared.

Benjamin, are you scared?

No.  Are you scared Mama?

No.

Is Daddy scared?

No.

Is Nana or Papaw scared?

No.

Is Christinana scared?

No.

What's da brudder's name?

Samuel?

Yeah, Is Samuel scared?

No.

(Pause) Is the shadow scared?

No.  I don't believe so.

Where do monster trucks live?

I would say in big garages.

They have big wheels.

Yes, they do.

Do they get muddy?

Sometimes.

So they get wet?

Sometimes.  Our cars and truck get wet and muddy sometimes.

Yeah, your car is wet...and muddy (Our driveway is a rutted mess of muck from  the snow and rain.)

Where is our house?

I told him our address.

Where is the church?

Ocoee Street

Ocoee Street?

Yes, South Ocoee Street.

Does Bruce have sharp teeth? (From Nemo)

Yes.

Does he like to eat?

Yes.

Does he eat fish?

Yes, sometimes, although he wants to be their friends..."Fish are friends, not food."

He wants to be friends?

Yes.  We eat fish too.

We do?

Yes. Like at Captain D's.

Where is Captain D's?

You go there with Grammy and PopPop.

Where is Captain D's?

APD 40

What's it called that can cut me?

A saw? (Josh has been doing home improvement.)

A saw.  It could cut me.  

Yes, saws are very dangerous.  They could really hurt you. Even Daddy is very careful because they can hurt him.

Can I play with them?

No.  Never.

Can I bounce them?

No.  Never touch them.

I need to be safe.

Yes.

They can't hurt me right now.

No.

What's that?

My lips (He reached up to find my face.)

Did the blue monster shrink? (Larry Boy)

Yes, it shrank because Junior told the truth.

It went away

Yes.

It was a space alien.

Yes, it was a pretend space alien that isn't real that grew big because it was a fib.

What did it say?

I don't remember.  It was mean.

It was mean.  It went away.

Yes.

What does Cookie Monster eat?

What do you think he eats, Benjamin?

Cookies.

Yes.

Do I eat cookies in our house?

Yes, sometimes you do...Okay, baby boy, it's time for you to go lay in your bed.

I can lay in my bed.

I love you sweet boy; sleep well.

And, he has.

Freezing cold fun

We warm blooded southerners have had to adjust this week as we have reached single digits and not climbed out of below freezing for the past few days. I was blessed with a holiday Monday, a cancelled inservice Tuesday, class Wednesday (but church was cancelled), no school today, and I will round out the week with a teacher work day tomorrow.

I tried to warm up the other night with this delicious meal shown below.  Unfortunately, it sealed my fate on what I kind of already knew...I have pregnancy induced heartburn/reflux.  Tomato soup and a balsamic vinaigrette were a no-no.  Seems that meals like this although tasty,  make me sick for hours only to eventually come back up.  Bleh.

So, after talking with the doctor I have figured out some diet modifications, and since I am already trying to figure meal plans out for my pregnancy induced glucose issues anyway, I will just try to stay away from reflux triggers.

Great news is that my carpal tunnel, although not entirely gone, has not been near as bad as it was in December and January.  My theory is that it was worsened by the joint pain/swelling which can be caused by parvovirus and stick around for a while.  Go figure.

Back to the cold...It snowed and stuck in our neck of the woods, and I praised God for helping me get home safely on some slick-ish side roads.  

The inch or so on our driveway, seen below, proved to be an issue for my little Corolla which has awful traction in snow.

After three attempts with spin outs I patiently waited forbmy husband to get home with our 4-wheel drive Explorer.  He was only about 20 minutes behind me.

I took some pictures.

Our road

My sleeping boy, who had stubbornly not taken a nap for his Grammy.

I called my mom.  I Facebooked.  I waited.  Lest you think me lazy for not trekking the less than quarter mile to the house, I didn't think it wise for my 22 week pregnant self to try to carry my over 30 pound sleeping child up a slippery driveway in 20 degree weather.  Last thing I needed to do was fall.

My hero arrived! 

He tried to get my car up the hill and encountered the same issue.  We ended up chaining my car behind the Explorer, and with me in neutral, he drug my little blue useless in snow car up our driveway.  Plan B would have been to leave it in our yard at the bottom of the hill.  But, we made it!

My car got a bit of mud slung on it. Lol

Josh went to work this morning in the Explorer.  We probably got about 2 inches total.  He took a few pics.

Benjamin and I played in the snow once the weather climbed to a whopping 12 degrees.  The sun was melting the snow anyway though.

This was after a healthy breakfast for me, of course.  I had bacon and sharp cheddar with my eggs (which I did fully cook...).

Benjamin did a lot of exploring.  I was impressed he could move as well as he could considering how many layers I had on him.  Lol

He would stop and jump sometimes.

I somehow managed to get him still and looking at the camera long enough for a picture.

He loved walking around in the snow.  I hated that he couldn't stay out longer, but the wind chill and the temps. Sheesh.

I coaxed him into taking a picture with me.  He even smiled. Cutie.

For a moment...stinker.

We enjoyed our day together.  We love a good snow day. ;)

What's in a name?

So, I'll admit from the time we knew we were pregnant I had no idea of a name (male or female) for our second child.  Even after we found out a few weeks ago that he is going to be a boy, I really still had no idea.  I did know, however that I wanted him to at least have a first name that is Biblical.

The first inkling I had regarding his name was after we had the Parvovirus scare.  I went from fear and trembling (literally) praying before the Lord to do His will with our child (which let me tell you is terrifying when all you want to pray to the Lord is for your child to be completely healthy) to rejoicing in the Lord for His kindness and mercy in protecting our son.

In my joy the story of Hannah came to me, and her joy at having a child, and she named her son Samuel, "Asked of God; heard by God."  I knew God had heard our prayers (and still does), and it made me start to think, "Samuel....hmmmm...We could name him Samuel."

So, as Josh and I talked about names, we realized that Josh's dad, Richmond, whose mother was called Pat, had a father named Samuel.  So, we talked it over for a few weeks, and it seemed like a good fit. For his middle name, continuing the trend of family names, we decided on William.  My father's name is William, and he was named after his mother's brother...William.  Josh's dad, Richmond, whose father is Kenneth, had a father named William.

So, after thinking about it a few more days we decided to name our boy...

I am glad to report that he is still healthy and growing (these are from yesterday).

His face

Him hiding his face with his hands, which he seems to do a lot of during ultrasounds.

His foot

I should add that when I was a little girl my mom told me the story from I Samuel 3 when God kept calling Samuel's name, and Samuel would run to Eli thinking it was him calling.  My mom said that at the end of the story I almost tearfully told her, "If God called me, I would answer."  I've remembered that story through the years.

My prayer for both Benjamin and Samuel is that when God speaks to each of their hearts, that they  they each respond to Him, "Speak, Lord, for your servant hears.”

Rash behavior

I guess I made the mistake of saying a few times (about Fifth's), "I think it's strange that Benjamin never caught it."

Well...

Saturday morning

Saturday evening

Sunday morning

Sunday afternoon (after running around A LOT in a warm room)

And Sunday evening.

Add to that the slightest come and go lacy rash on his limbs, and Dr. Mom and recent Parvovirus B19 expert has diagnosed him with Fifth's.  I'll confirm with the pediatrician tomorrow, and I'll confirm with my OB that there is no additional concern for me since I have already been exposed, had the virus, and have the antibodies present in my blood.  And, for those not familiar with this illness, now that Benjamin has the rash and "slapped cheeks" look, he is no longer contagious.  The best news for him is he never showed the other symptoms before the virus such as the runny nose, fever, etc.  He acted great yesterday.  He was however quite ornery for the first half of today, and I don't know whether to blame it on the virus or just on him being a two-year-old boy.  I am unsure of how long before the rash appeared that he was contagious, but it's probably safe to say at least a few days up to a week before.  Since he didn't have any of the other symptoms I have no way of really knowing.

So, that's what's new in our house.

I'll say it again as a pregnant woman who is going through this headache.  If you or someone you know if pregnant, and there is any inkling that you think you may have been exposed to Fifth's Disease (Parvorvirus B19) please contact your doctor to see if they want you to have a blood test.  It is better to be safe and take precautions than mess around with the nasty pregnancy complications that can arise.  We have been fortunate so far, and we are giving God the glory.  I've included information below in case you want to know more about the illness, or if you are curious about the symptoms that adults can develop with this virus.

The more you know:

CDC Fifth's info

Kid's Health Fifth's info

Mayo Clinic Fifth's info

I never even had a rash.

Fifth's Disease.  Parvovirus B19.

As someone who has worked with preschoolers for over 15 years I've seen it many times.  It typically starts off with fever, runny nose, headache.  It's basically like having a cold.  That is unless the child then turns up with the next symptoms which are rash including the characteristic "slapped cheeks" look that many children (who have now been contagious for days) tend to sport.

Thing is, adults who catch parvovirus may never exhibit a rash. 

I was sick right before Christmas.  Josh, Benjamin, and I were in Sevierville for a few days, and it felt kind of like I was getting the flu.  I spiked a 101 fever, I was chilled, achy, and I had the worst headache.  The right side of my head felt like it had been beaten to a pulp.  I managed to kick the fever, rest for a day, and then except some continued sinus pressure and continual headache I was back to myself.  A day or two later we were back in Cleveland, and I went to the doctor.  I had an awful sinus infection.  I never had a rash.

Christmas came and went, and we went on another trip to Sevierville, this time with Josh's family.  Josh came down sick with a virus that seemed similar to mine.  Except for some lingering tiredness from the sinus yuck, I seemed to be fairly well.  My joints were quite achy, and I decided that I had been too lethargic on our trips and that I needed to walk more.  So I did.  It helped.

Christmas vacation passed oh too quickly, and I was back at work.  I started hearing about more and more and more cases of Fifth's Disease (versus the isolated case or two I had heard about before Christmas).  I decided last Wednesday that I should call my OB and see if I should be concerned about exposure.  They told me to come in that day for a blood draw.  So I did.  Apparently Fifth's disease has been heavily making its rounds in the schools and daycares around our area.  I knew of the isolated cases that I wasn't directly exposed to before Christmas, and then the increase in cases since then, but I honestly thought that several years ago I had caught the virus as a daycare director and successfully developed an immunity,

They told me they wouldn't know anything until Monday.  Halfway through Monday (two days ago) I got curious since I hadn't heard anything from the doctor's office.  I took that as good news.  I decided to call to confirm, and the person on the other end checked for me to see if they had my results.  She said, "OH, it looks like they have the results back.  Ummmm....Let me check with a nurse to see if they need you to do anything else."

And then I was on hold.  And, I started to panic.  That was not the answer she was supposed to give me.  About five minutes later (with a quick check in to let me know that she hadn't forgotten me), Dr. Wolf was on the phone.  By then I was shaking.  Terror. Shock. Disbelief.

He explained that there are two antibodies that they test for regarding parvovirus.  One shows if you have been recently infected.  The other one shows if you have developed an immunity to the virus.  My antibodies were both high which means that I did indeed have Fifth's Disease recently.  He said that there are such a small amount of cases where they baby is harmed by the virus, but the risk of anemia and/or heart failure in the baby is enough that I needed a high risk ultrasound to check on the baby's health.  They don't mess around with this virus.

I shook.  I cried.  I couldn't figure it out.  I never even had a rash.  And then I looked it up on the internet and educated myself.  And then I realized what that mystery virus at Christmas was, and I realized adults don't always get a rash, and then I worried.  And I started praying.  I had been sick with a virus that could attack my baby, and even though that literature said less than 5% of the time babies develop complications, I worried.  My doctor's office was quick to schedule my appointment, call me back, and let me know I had an ultrasound the next day at 1:30.  I tried to convince myself that everything would be fine, and that they baby was just fine because I could feel movement off and on, but the anxiety burrowed down to my core.  I prayed.

Let me tell you about my God, the peace bringer.  as I left work for the day, I had Benjamin with me, and he wanted to listen to a VeggieTales cd.  I hadn't had much opportunity to be alone until then, and my emotional dam burst as I drove.  About that time "God is bigger than the boogie man" came on."  And God said, listen:

Junior:  Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man,
And he's watching out for you and me.
Monster #1: So are you frightened?
Junior: No not really!
Monster #2: Are you worried?
Junior: Not a bit! I know whatever's gonna happen, that God can handle it!

And I cried, and I laughed some at crying at a VeggieTales song, and I cried some more.  And I was reminded that Jesus, my Lord and Savior, died on the cross for my sins, and death has no hold on Him.  I prayed, and I cried as I realized how difficult it is to pray for God's will for my unborn child when all I wanted to do was tell God to protect my baby and keep him from harm.  My Mommy heart broke as I thought back to Hannah in the Bible, and how she gave Samuel to the Lord after He answered her prayers.  And I prayed, and I praised God for comforting me.

I talked to God a lot Monday night, and He gave me continued reassurance that He does care about my babies.  Benjamin came to me that evening carrying something that he dropped in my lap, and he asked, "What's this?"  It was a wasp that had gotten in our house.  I would say I have no earthly idea why it didn't sting him (seriously, the thing was angrily squirming in his little 2-year-old hands), but I know why.  God was saying, "Look, I protected Him.  I'm in control."

The next morning at work dragged along as I looked at the clock waiting to drive to Chattanooga with Josh to go to the doctor.  We managed to get there 30 minutes early, and the doctor was backed up because it was another entire hour before I was called back for the ultrasound.  My quick little trip back to the lab for weight, etc. showed my blood pressure to be HIGH.  No surprise there.  As we began our ultrasound we found that our sweet little baby does not like ultrasounds and was very difficult.  We were able to find out that he, yes, he, is a boy.  He was measured, and all of his anatomy was checked out, and he kicked and squirmed and covered his face and found very difficult positions to stay in so that they couldn't get good pictures of things like his heart.  I just sat there and watched him move.  He had a heartbeat, he was moving, and I breathed deep breaths as I shook quietly waiting for a verdict.

The things that they needed to know regarding the nasty parvovirus were if there was any sign of heart failure like excess fluid, swelling, etc.  Also, they needed to take a doppler of an artery in his brain to see if there was an increase in blood flow.  If a baby becomes anemic then the body sends more blood to the brain automatically, and it would show with an increases flow.  Anemia would be caused by the virus attacking something that helps the baby produce red blood cells.

Over an hour they tried to get all the pictures they needed.  I laid there and shook like it was 30 degrees in the room.  He was spine up under my belly button and stayed there despite our efforts, and two different ultrasound techs and the doctor herself couldn't get everything they needed, but they got enough.  Our baby was perfectly healthy.  To God be the glory.

HOWEVER, in case we wanted to stop thinking about Fifth's disease, we can't.  Rare cases can have babies show up with complications as much as 6 - 8 weeks after the mom has the virus.  So, to take every precaution my baby and I will be going to ultrasounds once a week for at least a month.  The doctor seemed pleased with their findings, and she eased my fears enough to help my shaking eventually stop.

So, if you made it through my entire BOOK of a post, I thank you for your continued prayers.  When people have asked if I wanted a girl or a boy, I've said it 50 times if I have said it once, "I just want a healthy baby."  I'm ecstatic about our healthy baby boy, and I look forward to seeing him once a week.  Introducing our baby boy...He looks a bit like an alien, but we'll ooh and ahh anyway. :)

Peek-a-boo!  Get that ultrasound away from me!

 Here's his face.  He refused any profile shots.

His legs are crossed.

4-day weekend

I've been cutting Benjamin's hair for a while now, and I decided the other day that he really needed to go back to see a professional for as least one visit because let's face it, I'm not that good at it yet.

I was running late in town (after an OB appointment I believe), and I found out that Josh already had a haircut for himself scheduled, so we crashed his appointment (with the permission).

Before:

After:

She did an absolutely fantastic job on it, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was paying close attention to help me along in my at home endeavors.  Among other things I noticed that I really need to work more on thinning his hair and blending.  In the meantime he might end up with more professional haircuts before things like picture day.

Afterwards we went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner.  I enjoyed a lovely Cherry limeade.  God sent us a beautiful, fluffy white snow that evening.  It wasn't enough to stick to the roads, but it was enough to soak everything to the point that our freezing weather would make roads unsafe for the next day.  Alas, school was closed for Friday.

 Benjamin enjoyed extra time home with me while Josh went to work.  I spent Friday and Saturday doing an overhaul on my messy closet.

Athena helped me fold laundry.

 Sunday morning we went to church where Benjamin decided to wear sunglasses for most of Sunday School.

After church we grabbed some lunch and headed for an overnight trip to Gatlinburg.  We stopped at the Kroger in Sevierville, and Benjamin loved the car shopping cart.

 

We had a fantastic dinner that evening.

I love my sweet boy!

The next day we went to the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum, Ollie's (in Knoxville), and Litton's (in Knoxville).  Pictures to come later.  It's time for bed!

An almost snow

We had a light snow in our neck of the woods today.  Benjamin asked at first if he could go play in the snow.  After he saw outside better he asked if he could go play in the mud.  lol

Playing in the mud is pretty much what he did too.  Since he was so keen on splashing in puddles his time outside was short lived.  I didn't think 30 degree weather and puddle splashing mixed very well.